


Just A Dream

by Phoenix85



Category: His Dark Materials (TV), His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
Genre: Child Abuse, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Season/Series 02 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:22:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28311552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phoenix85/pseuds/Phoenix85
Summary: It is a dangerous thing to get lost in a dream world.Spoilers for S2 Ep07
Relationships: Lyra Belacqua & Marisa Coulter
Comments: 17
Kudos: 67





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It seems I have joined the world of fanficition! While I have been lurking here a while, I have never posted anything before and I'm still figuring things out.
> 
> While I absolutely am familiar with the english language it is not my native tounge, so I'm still bound to make mistakes. And since I'm also somewhat of a perfectionist I will most likely return to my posted works for possible improvements.
> 
> Even though I'm posting this as my first chapter, I doubt it will remain as such. I'm more than likely to re-arange chapters as I go.
> 
> I hope you will enjoy it!

Chapter 1

_"...I really wanted to be yours...”_

Mrs. Coulter was taken aback by how peaceful her daughter looked while sleeping. There had been nights in London when she had found herself standing outside her child's bedroom door, resisting the urge to open it just to have a look at her. If possible now, Mrs. Coulter would spend every waking moment looking at her child. She had fought the impulse then, but now she found it impossible to resist and wished she could freeze the moment in time. She wondered if she had ever truly _seen_ Lyra back then. 

Lyra made no movement as she gently stroked her cheek. Was she dreaming? If so, was she dreaming of easier times, times before leaving her in London? Before London?

Their short moment in the canyon played over and over in Mrs. Coulter's mind even as she tried to shut it out. Lyra had spoken her words with so much venom that they were still stinging at her insides, nesting under her skin.

_“You. Are. Vile!”_

Trying to reason with her feral child had proven absolutely fruitless. Mrs. Coulter would have given the world to Lyra, and yet it would not have been enough. Lyra had left her _behind_ when she had walked over that bridge. The bridge her father had built. Had she had any thoughts of ever returning? 

_“I will never be yours!”_

Any armor she had acquired over the years had shattered at her daughters words. She had stared down the self righteous men of the magisterium and raised above them all and even vanquished the despicable cardinal, and yet she found her most formidable adversary to be but a child. _Her_ child.

Lyra would never have come with her willingly. Determined to not let her daughter best her again she had taken necessary actions. Frightful, panicked, _betrayed_ eyes had stared into her own as realization had dawned on Lyra just how far she would go to keep her safe. Even with Pantalaimon secured in the golden monkey's grip, Lyra had fought her with all of her being as she had forced her to drink the sleeping concoction. Mrs. Coulter could not help but find herself impressed. If she had even managed to put up half that resistance against her own mother…

Mrs Coulter had held her daughter safely in her arms, slowly rocking her as the drug had taken hold. Even then Lyra had fought it all the way, eyes groggily looking around the canyon. For the witches? For the boy? A few times she had weakly called out his name. As sleep slowly claimed her she had started to look around frantically, startling several times, her arm weakly reaching up to grab at her. Mrs Coulter had gently caught Lyra's hand and brought it to her own cheek, reveling in the touch. That was when the girl's eyes had found her own. For a moment Lyra had looked right at her, and as a final tear had slid down her cheek she had sorrowfully breathed out one final sentence before sleep claimed her.

_“...I really wanted to be yours...”_

An internal battle had played out inside Mrs. Coulter's mind then as she had continued to hold and rock her daughter a while longer, whispering apologies and promises. On one side regret and on the other determination. Lyra was a child. She could not be blamed for not understanding any better. She had to be strong for the both of them. But what if that meant losing her daughter entirely? Could she bring Lyra to understand? 

_“...I really wanted to be yours...”_

In the end it had been the golden monkey who had brought her out of her own dream world. After so much time _apart_ , it seemed Lyra would be the one to bring human and daemon together. 

It is a dangerous thing to get lost in a dream world. 

_“...I really wanted to be yours...”_

Mrs. Coulter continued to stroke her daughter's cheek now, as she made another effort to shake the memory.

“I am taking you somewhere entirely safe.”

Taking in the image of her now peaceful daughter, she preserved that image in her mind as she closed the lid of the large trunk, obscuring Lyra from the dangers of any and all worlds. She would protect her with her dying breath. 

She would not let her fall. 


	2. Chapter 2 - Mrs. Coulter's Point of View

Chapter 2 - Mrs. Coulter's Point of View

Mrs. Coulter slowly came awake. She could hear somebody crying. It was faint but it still disturbed her sleep. Soon the screech of her daemon joined in and she startled.

The cries… Could it be? Oh no... 

“Lyra.”

Composing herself she undid the latch of the trunk and slowly opened the lid. The sight before her cut like a knife. Her daughter was not yet fully awake but groggily looking around herself as if trying to make sense of her surroundings. Lyra's hand weakly reached out to touch her daemon, but Pantalaimon merely stared back at his human with glossed over eyes.

Damn! She had made the drug too strong! While she had recognized the drug to be a sleeping concoction she had not been entirely familiar with its composition. She would have to measure more carefully next time.

Removing her gloves, she gently touched at her daughter's cheek, moving a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Shhh. You are safe now my love”.

At the sound of her voice, Lyra looked up. Blinking slowly she tried to focus on her face, fresh tears still falling from her eyes. Mrs. Coulter gently wiped them away with her thumb. Lyra opened her mouth in an effort to speak, but couldn't seem to find her voice. She blinked again and startled.

“Rojer.. Ro… Rogr…”

Mrs. Coulter had never found a point in envying the deceased, but hearing her daughter’s soft cries for her lost friend she did so with every fiber of her being. It seemed that she was losing her even to the dead. Yet, she could not seem to find herself to bring her back into the world of the living. What went on in her child's mind?

Ever so gently, she reached in to lift her daughter out of the coffin and placed her on her lap. She held her tightly and rocked her as she shussed her. The golden monkey joined Pantalaimon and very hesitantly reached out to touch his ermin form as if he were a ghost. 

Mrs. Coulter didn’t know what to make of the sensation that flooded her then. Lyra gasped softly in her arms, clearly having felt it as well. She ran her fingers soothingly through the girl’s dirty tangles. Lyra blinked up at her with confused eyes.

“...Mother…”

Time came to a stand still. When it finally continued it’s count down again, Mrs. Coulter let out a long, shaky breath she had not realized she had been holding. It was barely a whisper, but Lyra might as well have screamed the word at her.

“Yes.”

“Did you see him too?”

Believing she could follow her daughter’s train of thoughts, she still asked, “Did I see whom, my love?”

“Roger. I’ve found him.”

“That is wonderful my darling.”

The sleeping concoction was obviously refusing to let go of Lyra. Even awake she was dreaming. Mrs. Coulter found herself oddly relieved. The girl was so out of it she couldn’t distinguish her dream from reality or even past from present.

“Where are we?”

“We are on a journey.” She did some quick thinking. “A journey to the north.”

Even in a half-dazed state Lyra managed to look absolutely amazed by the thought of going to the north, a big smile on her face.

“The north… Are we going to see armored bears?”

Mrs. Coulter genuinely smiled at that. “Yes.” 

“Are we going to negotiate with Tartars?”

“Oh, I hope not.”

“You would win though, wouldn't you?”

“Of course I would.”

The girl let out a soft, wonderful laugh at that and then she blinked. Mrs. Coulter could see the veil over Lyra’s eyes slowly lifting. She felt the golden monkey reach out to her, give her a warning.

_*Put her back to sleep!*_

_“Not yet.”_ She did not want to hear him.

Mrs. Coulter cradled Lyra to her and kissed her forehead as she felt a lonely tear fall down her own cheek. When she looked back at her daughter’s eyes she could see another kind of confusion starting to appear as the girl frowned and reached for her face, tracing the tear with her finger.

_*Do it now!*_

_“Just a while longer."_

_*There is no time!*_

_“Time is all that we have now.”_

Lyra’s eyes were meeting her own now, searching, as mother and daughter were lost in each other’s gaze. A screech from her daemon brought Mrs. Coulter back to the present. She could feel herself fighting time now as Lyra was slowly coming out of the fog. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Pantalaimon stir. 

She reached for the flask beside her and swallowed hard. Without hesitation she brought it to her daughter's lips. 

“Drink this Lyra.”

The girl obeyed her without question even as she scrunched up her face. 

“It tastes awful.” 

“It is good for you, my sweet.” 

Seemingly lost in thought Lyra asked aloud, “How come it's never the other way around?” 

“What is?” 

“How come what's good for you always tastes so bad?” 

A Hopeless, silent laughter escaped Mrs. Coulter as she caressed Lyra's cheek and watched as the fog settled in her daughter's eyes once more. The child blinked and gasped. 

“I'm drowning!” 

“No, my darling. You are just falling asleep.”

“Oh... Will you stay with me?”

“Forever.”

The girl smiled warmly at her then. As Lyra ever so slowly closed her eyes Mrs. Coulter could have sworn she had heard that magical word yet again and she forced herself to control her breathing. Having nowhere else to be, she sat for a long time just holding her daughter in her arms until the sun finally set. Darkness was everywhere now. It seemed to creep itself into the small cabin, blanketing everything it touched.

Fatigue overcoming her, Mrs. Coulter gently put her sleeping child back in the large chest. As she closed the lid on her daughter, she found herself halting half way. It was so dark inside she could barely see Lyra anymore. It felt like staring into an abyss, and she felt herself falling with no end in sight. With a heavy intake of breath she closed the lid all the way and squeezed her eyes shut, attempting to trap the tears threatening to escape them as she kept hearing Lyra whispering that word.

“...Mother...”

She couldn’t help but wonder...

Which one of them was _really_ dreaming?


	3. Chapter 3 - Lyra's Point of View

Chapter 3 - Lyra's Point of View

Lyra comes awake crying, unsure if she’s still dreaming. She’s startled by an eerily familiar screeching sound, but she can’t seem to place it. The all consuming darkness around her is soon vanquished by a flooding light stinging at her eyes. Lyra wonders if now is when she really wakes up. _*Where am I? Where did Roger go?*_

She tries to look around for him, but can’t seem to find him anywhere. There’s a familiar, small white form directly in her line of sight. _*Pan!*_

At once, some of the fear dissipates. She tries to reach for him, but her arm is too heavy to move. _*Why’s he lookin’ at me like that? Like he can’t even see me? Pan!*_

She can feel a hand in her hair. It feels soothing. _*Roger?*_

Someone’s speaking to her, or so she thinks. But the voice isn’t Roger’s, and it seems so far away. The sound is muted. Like she’s listening from under water. _*Where’s it comin’ from?*_

It’s hard to focus on the voice, but it’s even harder to move her head, her whole body even. She tries hard to look up. There’s a figure there, looking down at her. _*Roger? No. Too much hair. Where did he go?*_

She tries to call out his name, but her mouth and tongue feels weird. Disconnected. Wrong. _*Somethin’s very wrong._ *

The figure is touching her face now. She should be frightened, but it feels so comforting.

“Rojer.. Ro… Rogr…”

She can’t get the name out right and suddenly she’s flying! It’s a short flight, and she lands securely on something firm, yet so soft. Someone is holding her. Someone much bigger than her and they are swaying. It makes her a bit nauseous even though it feels really nice and comfortable. She gasps and jolts all of a sudden as she feels something reach her from within. It’s a foreign feeling. Almost foreign, but... nice… and yet not entirely so. It sharpens her somewhat and she looks up. _*Who’s that? Mrs. Coulter?*_

“...Mother…”

The word feels strange in her mouth. Wrong. But also right. So very confusing.

“Yes.”

_*Mrs. Coulter’s here! Did she find Roger like she promised?*_

“Did you see him too?”

“Did I see whom, my love?”

_*What does she mean by that? She had to have seen him!*_

“Roger. I’ve found him.”

“That is wonderful my darling.”

_*Yes! But where IS he?*_

“Where are we?”

“We are on a journey. A journey to the north.” 

She feels an absolute warmth spreading through her then, like a warm blanket of snow. 

“The north… Are we going to see armored bears?”

The mere thought fills her with a comfort she can’t even begin to describe. It makes her whole heart ache with longing for... Mrs. Coulter’s whole face smiles down at her then. 

“Yes.” 

_*Her smile is so beautiful.*_ A playful thought occurs to her.

“Are we going to negotiate with Tartars?”

“Oh, I hope not.”

_*The way she answers is just too funny!*_

“You would win though, wouldn't you?”

“Of course I would.”

_*Of course she would!*_ She hears herself laughing at that. _*Mother would win any confrontation!*_

A familiar flash of gold jumps towards her. She blinks and it’s gone. Mrs. Coulter is holding her tighter, kissing her forehead. _*Why? Am I hurt?*_

A tear. It seems so wrong upon Mrs. Coulter’s face. It seems to be tearing it in two, like it’s exposing something else underneath. She reaches out to touch it. Mrs. Coulter’s eyes are fully focused on her own and she finds herself unable to look away from them. Not until she hears that hauntingly familiar screech again. _*Where’s Pan?! I can feel him so close!*_

“Drink this Lyra.”

Mrs. Coulter brings a flask to her lips. She drinks from it, fighting the urge to spit the vile contents out. Mrs. Coulter wouldn’t like that. 

“It tastes awful.” 

“It is good for you, my sweet.” 

She almost snorts at that. _*It tastes awful, so of course it is!*_

“How come it's never the other way around?” 

_*I didn’t mean to say that out loud.*_

“What is?” 

“How come what's good for you always tastes so bad?” 

Mrs. Coulter laughs at her question, but she doesn’t answer. Her laughter doesn’t seem right. _*She sounds… sad.*_

A heaviness settles in her body. She feels herself falling. No, disappearing. She’s worried she’ll stop breathing all together. _*What is happenin’?!*_

“I'm drowning!” 

“No, my darling. You are just falling asleep.”

_*Asleep? But I just woke up! Why am I so tired? Why does this feel SO wrong?*_

“Oh... Will you stay with me?”

“Forever.” 

A feeling of safety engulfs her then and she wants to snuggle up in it for the very rest of her life and she feels herself drifting off, everything disappearing.

_*Mrs. Coulter’s staying with me. She will keep me safe! Safe from…?*_

“...Mother…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing from Lyra's perspective turned out to be much harder. I struggled with the format to really clarify what was narrative, what was spoken and what was thought. I hope it works!

**Author's Note:**

> It seems I have joined the world of fanficition! While I have been lurking here a while, I have never posted anything before and I'm still figuring things out.
> 
> While I absolutely am familiar with the english language it is not my native tounge, so I'm still bound to make mistakes. And since I'm also somewhat of a perfectionist I will most likely return to my posted works for possible improvements.
> 
> Even though I'm posting this as my first chapter, I doubt it will remain as such. I'm more than likely to re-arange chapters as I go.
> 
> I hope you will enjoy it!


End file.
